Life can be extremely complicated, messy, inconvenient. Everybody has problems, and the shortage of solutions sometimes feels ever-compounding. When life and its various complexities really has you down, I’m here to tell you that there is a last-resort way out. This isn’t your average problem-solver, and I’d venture to say that you only get to use it once in a lifetime. Yes, dearest friends and link-clickers, you technically can fake your own death when things are really bad and you’ve run out of other options.

Here are a few LEGITIMATE reasons to fake your own death:

  1. You are at a party and you’re feeling really pretty in your brand new dress, like this is the dress you want to be buried in and everybody looking at you is probably thinking, “wow look at that amazing new dress I bet she wants to be buried in that amazing new dress”, and then someone walks in wearing the same dress. Done. Change your identity and pretend to be dead. Never come back. It’s over for you.
  2. Someone has snipers trained on your three best and only friends, thus forcing your hand (don’t you hate it when this happens? What a drag).
  3. Your article was meant to be turned in on xday and it is currently xday and you haven’t started it and are instead typing out a list of legitimate reasons to fake your death.
  4. A lot of people have been really mean to you lately and you’re thinking, “I’ll show them, I’ll show ALL OF THEM“, and the only logical next step is to pretend to be dead so that they’re sooooo sorry that they ever thought that they could be mean to you after ALL YOU’VE DONE FOR THEM THEY WERE NOTHING BEFORE THEY MET YOU THOSE ASSHOLES.
  5. You were asked to do a huge favour for someone close to you and you can’t possibly say no and also…
  6. You don’t perform/want to perform said favour.
  7. Your husband is only slightly less douchey than you are and faking your own death will ensure his timely demise.
  8. One day, you were all swept up in the moment and made a grand and dramatic gesture, like promising a huge amount of money or time or effort to a person or organisation and then, when all the euphoria and adrenaline and applause has passed, you realise that you actually have to follow through and you can’t.
  9. A close friend of yours has suddenly been making really creepy statements like, “you’re the best friend I’ve ever had” and giving you bracelets that they made for the two of you that say “best friends until/or else you die” and, like, they’re cool and all, but are they best friend material? Time to move on.
  10. You’re hanging out in a big group of people – the kind of people that you think you could be friends and family with forever – and suddenly, they suggest you all watch an Adam Sandler movie and you realise that you actually have nobody in this little life you’ve built for yourself and that there’s no point maintaining the facade.

One thought on “Legitimate Reasons To Fake Your Own Death

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