I am an obsessive Google-r. While reading or watching TV or living life, if a single word or reference pops up that I’m even slightly unsure about, I will Google it. I need to know everything, and Google gives me that knowledge.

Sometimes, however, even Google can’t help me in my quest for infinite education. Here are some Google searches that I wish could give me accurate answers:

  • How do I get my cat to forgive me for buying a new kitten 7 years ago?
  • Is it normal that I ugly-cried when 30 Rock ended?
  • How can I encourage people to be less chill about bees?
  • If someone puts a curse on me but I don’t believe in curses, will their curse still be in effect?
  • At what point do I need to seek professional help for [xyz]?
  • Is this a quarter life crisis or just that time of the month?
  • I feel fever-ish but nobody thinks I have a fever also my toes are really cold and purple am I dying or dead already?
  • Will I be less funny when I have children?
  • What happens if I have a second child and it is really cute because it is smaller and then I love it more than the first child?
  • Why do babies’ shoes have soft bottoms are they not like everybody else is it that they don’t deserve hard-bottomed shoes or is it that they can’t handle hard-bottomed shoes?
  • I think I am my own best friend and the only person who makes me laugh is this sad or beautiful what would Oprah think?
  • Is the Bible real should I follow everything it says?
  • Explain string theory in small words without using stupid metaphors and making me feel like an idiot.
  • Would I, personally, like this movie/TV show/book? Should I bother with it or give it a miss?
  • What’s the general consensus on [insert government official/policy] without opinions?
  • If you can be looking at a star that’s really far away and has died but it looks bright to you can someone technically go really far from earth and see the past in a mega telescope if yes how do I arrange this?
  • What memes should I be considering today?
  • What’s a 100% foolproof way to stop feeling sad/dissociated/anxious/stressed?
  • Show me the future is everything going to be fine can I relax for a second?
  • Why isn’t Google working? (this is for the other day when my Google wasn’t working)
  • I think I only want one child how do I ensure that they don’t turn out to be an asshole or weird and they act the exact same as someone who had siblings?
  • What do I do if I really want a daughter and then I have a son?
  • Do pets have the same emotions as I do or am I projecting?

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