Benedict Cumberbatch Is Officially Off The Market, Usage Of Gun Emoji Increases Tenfold

If you look carefully in the “Deaths” section below, that’s where my heart now resides.

On this, the 5th of November 2014, it was made official: Benedict Cumberbatch is engaged to be married. To another human person. The future Mrs Cumberbatch is, apparently, extremely talented and graceful: she can act, direct and sing – in French.

I am, of course, in no way bitter. I am so terribly happy for “Miss S. I. Hunter”, if that’s even her real name. She seems positively lovely. In 2007, she received the Samuel Beckett award for writing and directing her own play. As I’m sure you all remember, I, too, am a skilled playwright, highly versed in the works of Beckett himself.

As for the singing in French thing, I’m sure I could also feign a husky, bohemienne voice a la Carla Bruni if I had to. My singing voice may not be top notch, but what I lack in skill I more than make up for in eagerness to not let the love of my life slip away from me.

So Mr Cumberbatch wants an actress? Let’s cast our memories back to 2010 through 2012, when I both attended and participated in drama classes. One time, and this isn’t to toot my own horn or anything, I was even in a one act play that won an award. A whole award. Yes, I’m very humble about my many talents (unlike Miss Hunter seems to be), but that does not mean they go unacknowledged by others, such as the judges of a high school one act play competition in which two to three different schools participated. Nobody said I was the best actress up there, but nobody denied the fact, either, so there you go.

Unlike Benedict’s future wife, my talents reach beyond the creative sphere. I am exceptionally adept at mathematics (the kind nobody uses in everyday life, but still). When somebody explains a scientific theory to me a few times, I sometimes grasp the concept. My “left brain” is turned on, alright.

And so what if “Sophie Hunter” can speak a couple of romance languages? I can get by on at least three languages (including English).

I just mean to say that I’m also somewhat of a catch, and Benedict has made the mistake of his life should stop validating those whose qualities are only somewhat admirable.

Added to this, my sources (mainly have told me that they’ve only been together for a couple of months. You know who was also together for only a couple of months before marrying? A lot of innocent victims of spousal murder, I’m sure.

Also, who announces their engagement in a newspaper? Not to be judgey or whatever, but if I got engaged to the most eligible bachelor since George Clooney, I’d at least throw some sort of parade/organise a national holiday. Newspapers are for obituaries and bad news and dogs to piss on. Do you want a dog to piss on your wedding announcement, Sophie? Is that what you want? Is that how much you value your relationship with Benedict?

As I said, I’m not bitter at all. I wish nothing but the best for Benedict and Sophie. *gun emoji* *knife emoji* *gun emoji* *skull emoji* *weeping emoji* *black hole emoji* *endless abyss emoji*

reichenbach crying


2 thoughts on “Benedict Cumberbatch Is Officially Off The Market, Usage Of Gun Emoji Increases Tenfold

  1. Lol. I am entertained. I would have eagerly let him marry one of my adult daughters if the situation would have arose. In all seriousness, I hope they have a long happy life with at least a couple babies. 🙂


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