Some people spend a large portion of their lives denying that they’re an asshole. If you are, however, an asshole, and have no intention of changing it, embracing your true nature will benefit you.

Don’t know if you are one or not? I have a handy guide for you. You might be an asshole if:

  • You refer to all movies as films, whether they’re the Obscure Film Festival-winning Dutch reimagining of La Dolce Vita or Transformers 8: Everything Is Dead And So Are You Inside.
  • Your “inner child” features prominently in casual conversation.
  • When discussing your life and small life choices, such as picking out a couch or recording your favourite TV show, you will drop the words “journey” “destiny” and “self” in.
  • Eye contact is maintained throughout the duration of any conversation with you, and you are insulted if this is broken. The eyes are the window to the soul.
  • You frequently “transform yourself” so that you’re a “whole new me”.
  • You’re always using “I need to stop putting others first” as an excuse for your dick moves.
  • When claiming to forgive someone, you’ll say “Ill forgive, but I can’t forget”, thus fuelling your resentment for many arguments to come.
  • Every policy or criticism is described as “-shaming” by you. The airline specifies a weight limit on their carry-on luggage? Baggage-shaming. You can’t bring your McDonald’s soda into the fancy restaurant? Food-shaming. Your doctor politely requested your weight so that he could calculate the correct dose of medication for you? Body-shaming. This point? Shame-shaming. Everyone is against you. The world is so cruel.
  • You cite poetry or famous quotes to make a point.
  • Your WhatsApp status is a quote about loving life.
  • “The Universe” often aids in your decision-making.
  • You’ve told a genuinely depressed person to “cheer up” or “look on the bright side” or that “so and so has it so much worse than you do”.
  • In your whole life, you have ever answered “the sky” when someone greeted you with a “what’s up?”
  • You have your own line of hair extensions/pet accessories/sunglasses.
  • Blissful ignorance is your key political philosophy and you make fun of those who choose to be informed on current affairs.
  • People who are passionate about a topic or person are immediately defined as “obsessed” by you, thus making them ashamed.
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