I admire people who can make quick, hard-hitting decisions. They’re probably pretty successful and don’t spend six to ten hours agonising over which nail polish colour to pick, because which colour represents them in their very soul and also, which colour will go with what they plan to wear over the next few days and match the weather, mood and general atmosphere?
There are many things to consider with any given decision, and, surprisingly, watching numerous TEDTalks on the issue does not miraculously make one a master decider. I’ve always been terrible at making decisions. I think it’s an anxiety thing, because it is worse in times of extreme anxiety, but I think it might also just be a personality thing. It’s not that I don’t know what I want, because I definitely do, I just don’t know what I want, you know?
Lately, I’ve decided that I need to brand myself a little better if I’m going to finally get that book deal to fall into my lap (that’s how that works, right?), but I just don’t know what I want to say about myself or this blog in general. I have a few ideas, sure, but who am I? *gazes wistfully out into the abyss* *abyss gazes back* *curses Nietzsche*
It’s the question you dread when meeting new people or going to a job interview: “Who are you?” or “Tell me about yourself?” When I was 17 and 18 and 19 and 20 and, well, pretty much always since then and also before then, if I’m being honest, I struggled a lot with that question and with my identity as a whole. I was obsessed with finding my place in the world – was I indie or scene or geeky or a jock (this was before hipsters even existed, else I would have pondered on that, too, and perhaps even grown a conservative beard to go with my Ray Bans). Convinced that everybody needed to fall under a labelled umbrella, I was desperate to find mine and it was so deeply unsatisfying when I failed to do so. Where was my neat tag? Following from this, I took about 70 online quizzes to diagnose myself with a variety of mental disorders, favouring Borderline Personality Disorder after reading far too much literature about it and confusing being a teenager with issues with having a psychiatric illness.
It took a really long time, but I’m starting to become semi comfortable in the questions that would keep me up late at night. I mean, not to the point where I’d be amped to answer it in an interview, but I’ve gathered some intel about myself that is quite useful and, when combined, gives a clear picture of who I am. Unfortunately, I’m not sure how to really combine it to come up with the blog title that will perfectly embody everything about me and my writing.