This Is 100% Me. Plus, Tumblr Love.

I can (and do) spend hours and hours on Tumblr. As a person with a short attention span who loves gifs and thought-provoking quotes, it’s my dreamland. Plus, unlike on WordPress, you can create or use a rad custom HTML theme *side-eyes WordPress for days*… I HAVE THE SAME THEME AS EVERYBODY I HAVE EVER FOLLOWED OR SEEN ON THIS STUPID WEBSITE WELCOME TO COMMUNIST HELL WHERE ARE MY RIGHTS?!

My Tumblog started out as a fashion/style sort of themed thing, but has lately deteriorated into a fandom-centric dumpster. Which is fine by me, because I have gained, like, a million followers from it. Everyone knows you’re not popular until you’re Tumblr popular, right?

While browsing through my tags, I’ve noticed something: Tumblr is a very therapeutic, safe space in which you can express yourself. I have a whole “about me” tag, and will also often tag posts with “this is so me!” and “this is 100% me” and sometimes “nothing has ever been more me before” or just the classic “same”. This has provided me with a lot of ammunition for when I have an interview and need to answer a pointless “Tell me about yourself” question.

Sure, I’ll tell you about myself. Here’s a little bit about me:

  • a moody pencil illustration of a girl sleeping
  • lots of it’s-funny-because-it’s-true text posts about procrastination and lack of motivation
  • a colourful gif of Cher from Clueless looking thoughtful with her fluffy pink pen with speech bubbles that just say “k” floating around her and hamburgers and roses underneath her (for your viewing pleasure) (I even tagged this one “my entire aesthetic”, which is fair)
  • a woman sitting in a tree wearing brogues
  • multiple emoji references
  • mainly the painting nails emoji
  • April Ludgate

I think it’s fair to say that this is 100% me. Nothing has ever been more me before. It’s just so me. Same.

You Might Be An Asshole If…

You Might Be An Asshole If…

Some people spend a large portion of their lives denying that they’re an asshole. If you are, however, an asshole, and have no intention of changing it, embracing your true nature will benefit you.

Don’t know if you are one or not? I have a handy guide for you. You might be an asshole if:

  • You refer to all movies as films, whether they’re the Obscure Film Festival-winning Dutch reimagining of La Dolce Vita or Transformers 8: Everything Is Dead And So Are You Inside.
  • Your “inner child” features prominently in casual conversation.
  • When discussing your life and small life choices, such as picking out a couch or recording your favourite TV show, you will drop the words “journey” “destiny” and “self” in.
  • Eye contact is maintained throughout the duration of any conversation with you, and you are insulted if this is broken. The eyes are the window to the soul.
  • You frequently “transform yourself” so that you’re a “whole new me”.
  • You’re always using “I need to stop putting others first” as an excuse for your dick moves.
  • When claiming to forgive someone, you’ll say “Ill forgive, but I can’t forget”, thus fuelling your resentment for many arguments to come.
  • Every policy or criticism is described as “-shaming” by you. The airline specifies a weight limit on their carry-on luggage? Baggage-shaming. You can’t bring your McDonald’s soda into the fancy restaurant? Food-shaming. Your doctor politely requested your weight so that he could calculate the correct dose of medication for you? Body-shaming. This point? Shame-shaming. Everyone is against you. The world is so cruel.
  • You cite poetry or famous quotes to make a point.
  • Your WhatsApp status is a quote about loving life.
  • “The Universe” often aids in your decision-making.
  • You’ve told a genuinely depressed person to “cheer up” or “look on the bright side” or that “so and so has it so much worse than you do”.
  • In your whole life, you have ever answered “the sky” when someone greeted you with a “what’s up?”
  • You have your own line of hair extensions/pet accessories/sunglasses.
  • Blissful ignorance is your key political philosophy and you make fun of those who choose to be informed on current affairs.
  • People who are passionate about a topic or person are immediately defined as “obsessed” by you, thus making them ashamed.

Liebster Award Nomination, Because It’s About Time I Was Rewarded For My Hilarity

Liebster Award Nomination, Because It’s About Time I Was Rewarded For My Hilarity

I was recently nominated for a Liebster Award by the lovely and hilarious triSARAHtops, who then explained the whole thing in this post in case you, like me, didn’t know what a Liebster Award is.

LiebsterAward

I mean, it was only a matter of time before I was rewarded for being hilarious on the internet, right? I never win stuff (because the system is rigged/unfair/against me), so I’m sincerely flattered and grateful.

As per the rules (I have graciously decided not to fight the patriarchy this time), I will now answer the 11 questions proposed to me and then I will contact 11 amazing blogs with my own nominations and questions (it will honestly probably be more like 5 bloggers, because I don’t follow a whole bunch of people yet):

  1. Describe your blog in one sentence.
    An environment where young women or old women or men I guess can come and hang out and pet kittens and just relieve themselves of the bonds of capitalism for a few minutes.
  2. Why do you blog?
    I’m a freelance writer and my biggest belief about writing is that you need to write to become better at writing, so I decided to inflict myself upon the masses. I also have a ton of poetry and dumb jokes to get out there that I know wouldn’t really work on an established, professional website, so I decided to just create a WordPress and go with it.
  3. What do you feel is the best post you have written?
    I’d like to start off by saying that I love all my posts equally, but differently. That being said, my favourite post is probably ‘The Lost Samuel Beckett Play‘ and I hate all my other ones, like a true mother does with her children.
  4. Follow-up to Question Three: Why do you feel this is your best post?
    It’s really specific and literary and funny – well, to me (and probably nobody else, but that’s fine, too).
  5. Where do you find your inspirations?
    I’ll find inspiration in things I read or see or funny things I think in my head. For my poetry, my inspiration comes from real stuff that happened or that I’m going through or that I’ve observed. tl;dr I observe a bunch.
  6. What do you do when you aren’t blogging?
    I’m writing for money or on my Tumblr (the latter being the most likely).
  7. Coffee or Tea?
    Cappuccino.
  8. Who would win in a fight: Spiderman or Daredevil?
    I know next to nothing about Daredevil and Spiderman is my fav, so I’d say Spiderman? Am I right? Did I win?
  9. What do you think is the best TV Show of all time?
    As per the next question, it’s Veronica Mars. I mean, that show is pretty much perfection. But I’d also say 30 Rock. And Sherlock.
  10. Why didn’t you choose Veronica Mars as the answer to Question 9? (If you did you can skip this one)
  11. What is your favourite book?
    The Great Gatsby probably, but I have, like, sixty others.

Movies That Deserve A Sequel

Movies That Deserve A Sequel

Hollywood loves sequels. Since Toy Story 4 was announced, I’ve been thinking about some other films that deserve the same treatment. I’m tired of the numerous superhero movie and Taken sequels, so here are a few of my prudent suggestions:

  • The Fault in Our Stars 2: The Ghost of Gus
    In this amazing sequel, Gus, who died in the original movie (that isn’t even a spoiler), returns as a ghost to haunt Hazel, causing her to question her sanity and finally culminates in her parents putting her in a psych ward to live out the rest of her limited days.
  • 5cream
    The fifth movie in the Scream franchise, this film will deal with the problems of being a film within a film within a film within a film, revealing the meta of the meta, making it all very meta.
  • Sex and the City 3
    The third instalment in the riveting line of Sex and the City movies shows us just how boring a bunch of women who are over-eager to discuss their sex lives can truly be. There’s alcohol, men, lots of talking and lots of voice-over. A guaranteed thrill, all in all.
  • Taken 3(4?)
    I know I said I was tired of the Taken sequels, but when I really, really consider it, what the world needs is another Taken movie.
  • The Shawshank Redemption 2: Redeemed and Ready to Party
    The long-awaited sequel to the classic Oscar-nominated film shows Andy (Tim Robbins) and Red (Morgan Freeman) living large following their bachelor misadventures on the beach we left them at the end of the first film. Think American Pie meets The Green Mile.
  • War Horse 2: Because the First One Wasn’t Bad Enough
    I’m sure there are many people out there who enjoyed War Horse and didn’t wish that a black hole would swallow them up after 15 minutes of enduring it, but I wouldn’t count myself among one of them. For those who did appreciate this Steven Spielberg-directed snooze-fest of Lincoln proportions, I bring you War Horse 2: Because the First One Wasn’t Bad Enough, in which the amount of time you sit through a horse ploughing the land is doubled and the amount of sympathy you have for any single character is halved.
  • Her: The Prequel You Never Asked For
    The only thing more spellbinding than a sequel is a prequel. They’re always soo clever and who doesn’t watch every single movie and think, “I wish I could see what happened before the exciting plot began.” In the anticipated prequel to Her, Spike Jonze pieces together all the excessive montage shots of the protagonist’s previous relationship with the Rooney Mara character that appeared in Her and still manages to make a full-length feature.
  • Every Disney Movie Ever
    Disney loves to release sequels to their most popular films as straight-to-DVD money-makers, but I think cinematic releases would be even better. I’d love a chance to see Simba’s daughter and the complete disregard for the themes of the first Pocahontas in their respective sequels on the big screen.
  • Gump & Co.
    The author of Forrest Gump actually did pen this sequel, which was laughed out of Hollywood considered, but ultimately rejected. The novel sees Forrest continuing to accomplish all sorts of similar feats, such as knocking down the Berlin wall. That sounds delightful and in no way a desecration of the original.
  • Dumb and Dumberererer
    With the release of Dumb and Dumber To, it’s difficult not to start capitalising on a third instalment, because, from cringing through the trailer of the sequel alone, one can immediately ascertain that the below-slapstick humour that barely worked in 1994 is going to work very well twenty years later, when there is a greater demand for smarter comedies.
  • Psycho: The Explanation Continues
    There have been a few unsuccessful re-imaginings and sequels to this Hitchcock classic, but this sequel would be different. Remember the last scene of Psycho, where everybody stands around explaining what just happened in the entire movie, because audiences were far too stupid to understand it for themselves? This is a whole movie of just that, for those who still need further explanation. I know I do. Guy with mother issues and taxidermy fetish murders women? This requires far more psychiatrists explaining it in a room.

Some Of The Best Quotes About Writing

Some Of The Best Quotes About Writing

I’m writing a first draft and reminding myself that I’m simply shoveling sand into a box so that later I can build castles.
– Shannon Hale, on Twitter


You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.
– Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life (1994)


For me a poem often begins as a constellation of words coursing through my head like little electric shocks.
– Maggie Nelson, in this interview


It’s hell writing and it’s hell not writing. The only tolerable state is having just written.
– Robert Hass


Writing is utter solitude, the descent into the cold abyss of oneself.
– Franz Kafka


If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it.
– Elmore Leonard


1. Find a subject you care about.
2. Do not ramble, though.
3. Keep it simple.
4. Have the guts to cut.
5. Sound like yourself.
6. Say what you mean to say.
7. Pity the readers.
– Kurt Vonnegut, quoted in Science Fictionisms (1995), compiled by William Rotsler


Even if you don’t believe in god or fate, at least you can believe in narrative.
– Richard Siken, Spork Press


Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.
Never use a long word where a short one will do.
If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.
Never use the passive where you can use the active.
Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.
– George Orwell, “Politics and the English Language” (1946)

Dripping

The shower water was beating
down my back
even though I wasn’t feeling it
And I was thinking murder, murder, murder
The idea crackled into the periphery
and I held it tight between my legs
and prayed
Still dripping, dripping, now onto paper.

Lacrimosa

I never had the dream again, the one where we were in the bath together
because in the dream, you never washed my hair the way I needed you to
and even though we smoked from the same cigarette, my hair still smelled
like matted hair might smell.
If I needed you to rinse it out with soft hands, veiny hands, fragile hands, would you
or doesn’t our contract extend that far?
Could you make it smell like citrus and honey or
is it easier for you this way, the broken way?

If I hand you my Lacrimosa do I get to keep you here
if the contents evaporate does it mean you have to leave
because I’ve got more stored up if that’s the way you need it
Give me something to talk about and I’ll give you something I’ll weep about
I wandered forever and found my way back but you weren’t there
and the front door was open but you were on the phone, weren’t you
and you said, “just a minute,” and I took it to mean, “go away.”

I tied my fears around the brick and threw it through your window
just to pique your interest
the content was good, the technique was lacking
the throw was slightly off and landed where you weren’t.
I told you, “I’m afraid I’m afraid I’m afraid,” and you couldn’t soothe it
but you pretended to, like handing me a torch when I tell you
I’m afraid of the dark, but not coming into the dark room with the torch
and with me, so I changed the topic, changed the fears,
even changed the brick, and it worked for a while until
I was the one who had to leave and throw a brick
through my own window
and my little glass bottle overflowed
and never evaporated again.